Wednesday, January 18, 2012

from MY point of view..

ok so this is a little random but things have been weighing heavy on my mind lately.. the farther i get from being sick the more i start to forget..which seems like it should be a positive but I have never been so grateful and optimistic as i was when i was sick.and told myself i would NEVER be superficial and have a bad day over petty things.. yet i catch myself more and more being  negative over silly things.. so i decided i want to write my "cancer story" from my point of view mostly so i never EVER forget.. not to mention some of it is humorous..
So anyone who knows me knows i DEPISE the doctor.. The only thing i had ever been to the ER for in my life was in the 2nd grade for stitches. It was bad experience to say the least.. so I was COMPLETLEY needle phobic.. yes i did pass out when i got my ears pierced at age 13.. ha! So when i was having back pain i played it down all the time hoping it was a mind over matter type of deal.. so i would go to work pop my tylenol and go on with the day but each day the pain got worse and worse.. So one night I was with my friends Chris and Robert watching a movie and it was UNBEARABLE!! Usually when i was laying flat the pain would subside but it was not letting up! I had already gone to the minute clinic at CVS (you bet i did my research before had and made sure they couldnt take blood or give shots) and the nurse there told me everything looks good.. Chris insisted on taking me straight to the ER but instead i had them drive me home and told them i was going to wake up my parents and have them take me..(um ya right are you kidding? now i will have to get bloodwork AND an IV!!!) so i went up to bed took some tylenol and literally laid and bed and cried.. My sister overheard and went to wake up my mom.. my dad practically had to carry me to the car.. (at the point i dont really care what is wrong i just dont want an IV!!) (if only i knew the best was yet to come!(; haha) so we get to the ER I remember constantly asking my mom if she thought they would do blood tests? (i had to be wheelchaired in and all i can still think about are those darn needles!!) finally they get me in and hook me up to an IV.. ok finally i am in so much pain i literally couldnt even care.. instantly my pain was G O N E! They told me they were going to do blood work at ultra sounds and whatever else.. so anyway they came to the conclusion it was a cyst.. ok great we  can just take a pill for that or something right?? WRRRONNNGGG. I was scheduled for surgery the following morning.. I was absolutely freaked. I didnt even want to know what the doctor was doing.. turns out they  have to tell you. so they were going in endscopically(sp?) to remove the cyst.. just 3 TINY incisions on my tummy but i would be put under.. I was so freaked i still remember waiting in the pre op room and i couldnt even talk.. next thing i know i am waking up.. HALLELUJIAH i survived.. I open my eyes and my parents are crying uncontrollably.. when i asked what wrong?!? my amazing dad was able to let me know i had cancer.. i dont remember what happened after that honestly.. maybe i was in shock? my mind was protecting me?? next thing I know i am back in pre op in North Scottsdale with my family my uncle and my grandparents and my pre op nurse.. finally the doctor came in to tell me he was going to just cut down the middle of my stomach there was no other way . So i once again was wheeled back but this time to get an epideral..a WHAT?! HECK NO! thats what you get when you have babies and i already decided i wont have babies cause no way would i ever get an epideral!! they promised me i wouldnt feel it(dont they always) I begged the nurse to just wait til i was out to give it to me and she said that wasnt an option.. um ok ok i didnt feel a thing and thats the last thing i remember.. I still remember being in my bed with jessica and her parents were there visiting and the dr came to see me.. I asked if the chemo would make me lose my hair.. he said yes. I cried uncontrollably! (DOES HE KNOW IVE BEEN GROWING THIS OUT SINCE I WAS LIKE 15!!) and from that day on i would never even look at dr.janicek... Then there was Pam..I honestly would have not survived without her. Pam was made me to be a nurse. She is just perfect. She knows how to make you laugh and could always get me up to make a loop around the 2nd floor which was my LEAST favorite thing to do.She tried on wigs that were sent to me to try on and she put them on and we walked around the 2nd floor.Anytime i was admitted i always BEGGED for my pam! so by this time i am over my needle phobia. I get my blood drawn every morning. I have the most awful food served to me and I refuse to turn on the TV.. yes people I was probably in the hospital for over a month total and that tv was not turned on ONCE.. note to Scottsdale healthcare.. please put the speakers on the actual tv no the remote or my bed.. its too loud.. (: So I get to go home and have to go to Dr.Janiceks Office to learn about my chemo (all i can think at this point is i already know i lose my hair so thats all i needed to hear) so we went.. i remember being in pain the entire time.. but I got to talk to Nicole a cancer survivor.. she looked so healthy and so happy. I felt like i had hope.. So that was right before christmas ish? i think?? ok so I dont remember anything from christmas i dont remember going back to the hospital..I do remember waking up in ICU.. I had a breathing tube and could not talk.. I wanted to see my parents (they were told to go home the night before because they stayed with me EVERY night)well they werent there yet and i panicked I thought they were holding me somewhere sketchy.It was like a nightmare! So then i wake up later in what i think is a disney princess room? hahaha seriously drugs are crazy. then i remember waking up in my normal room.. and seeing my colostomy and asking my nurse what that was? As she explained it to me i wanted to give up. are you kidding me?! there is no way i can do this!! So then i vaguely remember having random visitors and i remember craving mashed potatoes from Outback Steakhouse? haha i dont know.. but i got them. probably took a bite..thats all i cleary remember from shea.. i know there is TONS more and i had some amazing nurses that took awesome care of me.. ok then jump to my birthday.. thats the next thing i remember bits and pieces of.. I had chemo all day (which i dont remember) and Dr.Janiceks team got me a cake and balloons.. jessica came over the pickrons came to see me and brought me balloons. I always hated having visitors because i felt like i could not entertain them. haha!! so I got frustrated easily.. I could hardly walk by myself. I never ate anything. I weighed about 92lbs..My dad would take me to chemo every morning..I cant even express what an awesome dad i have. He is literally the most caring hardworking person i know. He would always remind me of the light at the end of the tunnel.. and make me laugh by joking that my dr drove the junker car in the parking lot. (: so he would always get me a water and a snack and fully charged phone for chemo. i would sleep.. the ENTIRE time.. and get mad if i didnt. so i would go home from chemo at the end of the day and my parents would get me anything i wanted to eat just to get me to eat something!! so my dad left nutterbutters on the nightstand just incase(: I would watch Hannah Montana and Good Luck Charlie ALL night. and Wizards of Waverly Place.. seriously when you are that sick cheesy movies and shows are the way to go.. so then i would wake up and do it all over again..I started getting an itch to go outside so my dad would try to get me to go on a walk to get some fresh air.. i could barely make down 3 or 4 houses!! I was so weak. So my dad loaned a wheelchair and would take me out every night to get some fresh air and just remind me its all happening for a reason..My dad has a heart of gold! So then complications came from chemo.. my home nurse would always say DRINK DRINK DRINK as she walked out the door. she wasnt joking.. I would get SO dehydrated i would get physically ill and end up in the ER then ICU get Hydrated. I started getting scared of leaving the hospital because i felt safe there and that i couldnt get too sick again. I slept so much not even cause i was tired I just had no energy to do ANYTHING. I was so jealous of "normal life" and never wanted to take a day for granted. I wanted to be able to walk around alone work work out eat and feel good! And i told myself i would never take a day for granted..SO i hope i NEVER forget<3

sorry if you are reading this like ?? but i mostly wanted it for myself.. just SOME key parts i remember.