Wednesday, January 18, 2012

from MY point of view..

ok so this is a little random but things have been weighing heavy on my mind lately.. the farther i get from being sick the more i start to forget..which seems like it should be a positive but I have never been so grateful and optimistic as i was when i was sick.and told myself i would NEVER be superficial and have a bad day over petty things.. yet i catch myself more and more being  negative over silly things.. so i decided i want to write my "cancer story" from my point of view mostly so i never EVER forget.. not to mention some of it is humorous..
So anyone who knows me knows i DEPISE the doctor.. The only thing i had ever been to the ER for in my life was in the 2nd grade for stitches. It was bad experience to say the least.. so I was COMPLETLEY needle phobic.. yes i did pass out when i got my ears pierced at age 13.. ha! So when i was having back pain i played it down all the time hoping it was a mind over matter type of deal.. so i would go to work pop my tylenol and go on with the day but each day the pain got worse and worse.. So one night I was with my friends Chris and Robert watching a movie and it was UNBEARABLE!! Usually when i was laying flat the pain would subside but it was not letting up! I had already gone to the minute clinic at CVS (you bet i did my research before had and made sure they couldnt take blood or give shots) and the nurse there told me everything looks good.. Chris insisted on taking me straight to the ER but instead i had them drive me home and told them i was going to wake up my parents and have them take me..(um ya right are you kidding? now i will have to get bloodwork AND an IV!!!) so i went up to bed took some tylenol and literally laid and bed and cried.. My sister overheard and went to wake up my mom.. my dad practically had to carry me to the car.. (at the point i dont really care what is wrong i just dont want an IV!!) (if only i knew the best was yet to come!(; haha) so we get to the ER I remember constantly asking my mom if she thought they would do blood tests? (i had to be wheelchaired in and all i can still think about are those darn needles!!) finally they get me in and hook me up to an IV.. ok finally i am in so much pain i literally couldnt even care.. instantly my pain was G O N E! They told me they were going to do blood work at ultra sounds and whatever else.. so anyway they came to the conclusion it was a cyst.. ok great we  can just take a pill for that or something right?? WRRRONNNGGG. I was scheduled for surgery the following morning.. I was absolutely freaked. I didnt even want to know what the doctor was doing.. turns out they  have to tell you. so they were going in endscopically(sp?) to remove the cyst.. just 3 TINY incisions on my tummy but i would be put under.. I was so freaked i still remember waiting in the pre op room and i couldnt even talk.. next thing i know i am waking up.. HALLELUJIAH i survived.. I open my eyes and my parents are crying uncontrollably.. when i asked what wrong?!? my amazing dad was able to let me know i had cancer.. i dont remember what happened after that honestly.. maybe i was in shock? my mind was protecting me?? next thing I know i am back in pre op in North Scottsdale with my family my uncle and my grandparents and my pre op nurse.. finally the doctor came in to tell me he was going to just cut down the middle of my stomach there was no other way . So i once again was wheeled back but this time to get an epideral..a WHAT?! HECK NO! thats what you get when you have babies and i already decided i wont have babies cause no way would i ever get an epideral!! they promised me i wouldnt feel it(dont they always) I begged the nurse to just wait til i was out to give it to me and she said that wasnt an option.. um ok ok i didnt feel a thing and thats the last thing i remember.. I still remember being in my bed with jessica and her parents were there visiting and the dr came to see me.. I asked if the chemo would make me lose my hair.. he said yes. I cried uncontrollably! (DOES HE KNOW IVE BEEN GROWING THIS OUT SINCE I WAS LIKE 15!!) and from that day on i would never even look at dr.janicek... Then there was Pam..I honestly would have not survived without her. Pam was made me to be a nurse. She is just perfect. She knows how to make you laugh and could always get me up to make a loop around the 2nd floor which was my LEAST favorite thing to do.She tried on wigs that were sent to me to try on and she put them on and we walked around the 2nd floor.Anytime i was admitted i always BEGGED for my pam! so by this time i am over my needle phobia. I get my blood drawn every morning. I have the most awful food served to me and I refuse to turn on the TV.. yes people I was probably in the hospital for over a month total and that tv was not turned on ONCE.. note to Scottsdale healthcare.. please put the speakers on the actual tv no the remote or my bed.. its too loud.. (: So I get to go home and have to go to Dr.Janiceks Office to learn about my chemo (all i can think at this point is i already know i lose my hair so thats all i needed to hear) so we went.. i remember being in pain the entire time.. but I got to talk to Nicole a cancer survivor.. she looked so healthy and so happy. I felt like i had hope.. So that was right before christmas ish? i think?? ok so I dont remember anything from christmas i dont remember going back to the hospital..I do remember waking up in ICU.. I had a breathing tube and could not talk.. I wanted to see my parents (they were told to go home the night before because they stayed with me EVERY night)well they werent there yet and i panicked I thought they were holding me somewhere sketchy.It was like a nightmare! So then i wake up later in what i think is a disney princess room? hahaha seriously drugs are crazy. then i remember waking up in my normal room.. and seeing my colostomy and asking my nurse what that was? As she explained it to me i wanted to give up. are you kidding me?! there is no way i can do this!! So then i vaguely remember having random visitors and i remember craving mashed potatoes from Outback Steakhouse? haha i dont know.. but i got them. probably took a bite..thats all i cleary remember from shea.. i know there is TONS more and i had some amazing nurses that took awesome care of me.. ok then jump to my birthday.. thats the next thing i remember bits and pieces of.. I had chemo all day (which i dont remember) and Dr.Janiceks team got me a cake and balloons.. jessica came over the pickrons came to see me and brought me balloons. I always hated having visitors because i felt like i could not entertain them. haha!! so I got frustrated easily.. I could hardly walk by myself. I never ate anything. I weighed about 92lbs..My dad would take me to chemo every morning..I cant even express what an awesome dad i have. He is literally the most caring hardworking person i know. He would always remind me of the light at the end of the tunnel.. and make me laugh by joking that my dr drove the junker car in the parking lot. (: so he would always get me a water and a snack and fully charged phone for chemo. i would sleep.. the ENTIRE time.. and get mad if i didnt. so i would go home from chemo at the end of the day and my parents would get me anything i wanted to eat just to get me to eat something!! so my dad left nutterbutters on the nightstand just incase(: I would watch Hannah Montana and Good Luck Charlie ALL night. and Wizards of Waverly Place.. seriously when you are that sick cheesy movies and shows are the way to go.. so then i would wake up and do it all over again..I started getting an itch to go outside so my dad would try to get me to go on a walk to get some fresh air.. i could barely make down 3 or 4 houses!! I was so weak. So my dad loaned a wheelchair and would take me out every night to get some fresh air and just remind me its all happening for a reason..My dad has a heart of gold! So then complications came from chemo.. my home nurse would always say DRINK DRINK DRINK as she walked out the door. she wasnt joking.. I would get SO dehydrated i would get physically ill and end up in the ER then ICU get Hydrated. I started getting scared of leaving the hospital because i felt safe there and that i couldnt get too sick again. I slept so much not even cause i was tired I just had no energy to do ANYTHING. I was so jealous of "normal life" and never wanted to take a day for granted. I wanted to be able to walk around alone work work out eat and feel good! And i told myself i would never take a day for granted..SO i hope i NEVER forget<3

sorry if you are reading this like ?? but i mostly wanted it for myself.. just SOME key parts i remember.

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

a little of this&that.

I can't believe how quickly time flies! Everything is finally starting to feel like a dream!! I never thought that day would come I still remember when I met Nicole (a cancer survivor who was diagnosed with my same cancer at the age of 12!!). She came and saw me right after my first surgery when i went to my Doctors office to learn about the Chemo and she was so healthy and happy and she kept reassuring me that one day this would be a distant memory.. at the time i thought she was out of her mind but she was totally right! Unfortunately i am constantly catching myself getting wrapped up in selfish dumb things like i used to and reminding myself that the silly little things we get stressy and upset over don't even matter 75% of the time..Other than that i am loving life!! I am now a full time employee at DryBar in the Scottsdale Quarter. Besides the fact my hands feel crampy and my feet want to fall off by the end of the day i absolutely L O V E it!  Anyone who has never checked it out.. look it up at and make an appt to come and visit me! It's the cutest place ever and a girls dream..

Sunday, July 24, 2011

Just a thought..

My dad and me went to go visit some of my nurses at Scottsdale Shea it was definitely a good experience! They were so glad I came to see them and they could see me healthy walking and happy..It was a little difficult to go on the 3rd floor and even look into the rooms brought back some painful memories but it is also such a good reminder.. I take health for granted everyday! Just 6 months ago i could hardly walk without someone holding me up it's crazy how fast times goes by. I remember sitting in chemo and just wanting to be able to feel healthy and actually enjoy waking up in the morning..It puts life into prospective and what we truly need to be happy verses what we THINK we need to be happy.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Prayer Works

 Friday will be my F I N A L surgery!! I can hardly believe it!! I am so nervous/excited. So please keep me in your prayers! This will be my last recovery then I will hopefully be getting back to daily activities.. never taking a day for granted. Honestly I have tried to focus on something positive everyday even if its something so simple be thankful and positive I promise it makes the world of a difference. Enjoy this life, it's the only one you have! (:
Tonight I was able to go visit a group for kids that have been praying for me since day 1 at a church in mesa. It was honestly the sweetest experience. They were sooo excited i came to visit! The little girls could hardly sit still in their seats. I am seriously so blessed to have so many people praying for me!! I wish i could meet them all!

With Love,

Monday, May 16, 2011

No More Wig!

it's amazing to me how gorgeous she even looks without her wig!

queen elizabeth who? she can even rock it without a wig!



Sunday, May 15, 2011

joe's jeans bidding

kensley rowland was nice enough to donated these jeans for michelle!

they are size 28 (6/8), from nordstrom, boyfriend fit, and super cute!

the bidding will start at $30 and please go up in price by at least $2!

leave a comment for a bid! bidding ends May 31st!



Thursday, May 5, 2011

So much to be thankful for

It is so completely amazing to me how many people are still constantly praying and checking up on me it is so comforting! I am SLOWLY coming to the end of this all its been a crazy journey. Even though I am bald, underweight and have a foot long scar down the middle of my stomach.. I still sounds so strange to say I have had cancer. As hard as this has been I would not change it for the world. I have learned so many things its unreal. Attitude is truly everything i am not a firm believer in that! You can't change the things that come your way so change the way you feel about them.. I am so so so so thankful for my family!! wow i would literally be lost without them.. my sister taking me to chemo and bloodwork everyday, my parents staying in the hospital with me EVERY night because it was more comfortable with one of them around.. I am truly blessed. This hit me when I was at my doctor appt on Tuesday and one of my chemo nurses mentioned what an amazing family we are.. and it's the truth my parents did whatever they could to make the situation comfortable for me. My dad would go to the moon and back for me! My nurses were also a HUGE part of the journey that i am glad i experienced.. when i was just at Thompson Peak over Easter they all would come in my room just to say hi and see how I was doing. Even the girl in the cafeteria recognized me and told me i looked great. Its so amazing how it truly is the little things that make the difference.. and where would i be without my friends especially nic jess and julie for starting my blog to keep everyone updated! I still remember the night jess showed me my blog & my christmas support box. I have never cried over a gift so much in my life.. it was the most thoughtful gift in the world just what i needed! I still re read all the letters and cards on the days i start to doubt myself! i CAN do this!! (: Lastlyy BUT definitely NOT least. I am soo thankful for my faith in Christ. I can't imagine going through this without him.. I was just telling my dad the other night it would have been a lonely fight without him. He gave me hope and knowing that God will never put you through something you can't handle!! I can testify of that now. Prayer works wonders it's so true and the Bible really does apply to everyday life. I love reading it now it makes life so much more simple!
This post is probably all over the place!! This is my very first post! so sorry if it was just a bunch of mush  but i hope everyone understands how much it means to me that you care and what a difference it has made..I really hope i can make someone feel as special as i have felt. Truly Blessed!
I hope everyone has a WONDERFUL day!!